Positive rewards need not be material things like money or treats. What the child needs most is acceptance of his behavior by a role model. This can be achieved by simply telling the child accordingly.

After several occurrences of being complimented for this behavior, the child will have established a connection in his value judgment skill set between his behavior and what is expected of him in these circumstances.

Negative rewards need not necessarily be a scolding or other forms of punishment. This can be achieved by drawing the child's attention to what the correct behavior should have been. In the same way, the child will establish a connection in his value judgment skill set between his behavior and what is not expected of him in these circumstances.

As the child strives to obtain continuous acceptance from his parents, he will, therefore, learn to choose behaviors that will result in positivity and avoid behaviors that will result in negativity.

Negative rewards may also result in the child avoiding certain unacceptable behaviors due to the punishment he believes will follow. Should the punishment be withheld, the child may eventually revert to the original unacceptable behavior. In such cases, the child has not learned the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior and is responding to a threat of punishment and not to his internal value judgment skill set.

If there is no threat of punishment, certain people may revert to unacceptable behavior without moral consideration as to what is right and what is wrong. The threat of punishment is effective if the person believes there is a chance that he may get caught and punished for his behavior.

In the case of children being threatened with punishment, the child may begin hiding unacceptable behavior from his role models in fear of being punished.

Where a child does not find gratification for his requirement to be accepted by his primary role models, he may search for this gratification outside the family circle. If it so happens that his friends are of an unsavory nature and accept him into their circle, the child could become an easy victim of being manipulated into a diversity of antisocial and even illegal activities and behaviors.

In order to prevent this, the parents need to contain the child through their positive acceptance of him.

1. Conditional Acceptance

In this instance, the parent proposes to the child that if he behaves in a prescribed manner, he will be rewarded for his compliance. However, should he not perform, the reward will be withheld. This constitutes a threat of punishment.

This condition may place enormous stress on the child, and in the event of him failing to achieve the conditional expectation, he could lose his parents' acceptance.

2. Unconditional Acceptance

Acceptance of the child for who he is, and not for what the parents may desire of him to be or become in later life.

In order to achieve this, the parents need to establish a relationship of truthfulness with the child. A relationship wherein the parents and the child are able to talk freely and honestly with each other without feeling threatened by the subject matter at hand.

The child needs to genuinely feel that he is sharing and confiding in his parents as he would with his best friends. Parents and the child need to respect each other without trying to dominate the outcome of the conversation.

Both favorable and unfavorable elements of a subject matter need to be discussed, with parents and the child given equal opportunity to participate and present their respective points of view on the matter. No one should dominate the discussion or influence the outcome.

Views on Unconditional Positive Regard
(Carl Rogers)

The following;

⦁ “When we're interacting with someone we choose to accept and think the best of them regardless of what they say or do”. According to Rogers, people are wired for self-actualization, or the need to fulfill their potential. However, painful experiences like being bullied, shamed, or judged stunt our growth.
⦁ Unconditional positive regard restores hope by showing us we are loved and accepted.
⦁ When people feel safe, honesty follows. Being honest with ourselves and others is crucial for change.
⦁ Unconditional positive regard means offering compassion to people even if they have done something wrong. It is striving to respond with understanding rather than contempt for the individual.
⦁ However, unconditional positive regard does not mean unconditional acceptance. We should be careful to not enable others to continue to act in harmful ways out of our desire not to hurt their feelings. Rather, having positive regard means treating people as fallible human beings regardless of what they do, even if we don't like what they've done.
⦁ Whereas judgement and shame elicit defensiveness, acceptance fosters safety, which invites honesty and self-exploration.
⦁ Providing empathy and acceptance allows people to open up and share more.

1. Active Listening

• Your child needs to feel that you are listening and understand what he is saying.
• An encouraging smile and affirming nods show that you care about what he is saying.
• Getting down to the same eye level as your child.
• Asking your child questions such as “what?”, “why?”, and “how?”.

2. Reflective Listening

• By repeating what the child has said, you assure that you are listening and understanding. This only needs to be used occasionally and with different words from what the child has used.

3. Speaking Clearly

• Using language that the child will understand in accordance with his age.
• Selecting words that will reinforce kindness and positivity.
• The idea is to make the child feel respected and loved.

4. Avoiding Bribes

• Using rewards inhibits the development of trust between the parent and the child.
• Set clear and realistic expectations for what you expect from the child.
• Praise good behavior when you see it.
• Use calm consequences to encourage better behavior when needed.

5. Explaining Feelings

• When the child is expressing his feelings verbally, listen to what he has to say with empathy and without judgment. Consider what life looks like through his eyes.
• If the child expresses himself in a nonverbal way - for example, through a temper tantrum or laughing and having fun doing an activity he enjoys – help him put words to how he feels, such as happy, sad, relaxed, hurt, scared, hungry, proud, sleepy, angry, helpless, irritated, embarrassed, or joyful.
• Remember, the child does not yet have the abilities of an adult.

6. Noticing Statements

• Praising the child for specific behavior helps to make him feel good about himself and also lets the child know what behaviors the parent approves of.
• Be specific in the 'noticing statement' by referring to the acceptable behavior performed by the child.

7. Having Fun Together

• As the child gets older and parenting becomes more serious, it is important to have fun together and enjoy light-hearted conversations. This will strengthen the relationship.
• Find ways of relating to the child, for example, by saying something positive that he cares about and sharing a joke together.
• Laugh with the child but never at him.

8. Leading by Example

• Parents introduce the child to the world. The child learns from his parents through the process of socialization.
• What your child hears you say is as important as what he sees you doing.
• Consider what example you are setting.
• There must be consistent agreement between the father and mother with regard to the instruction given to the child. Incongruence may lead to the child being caught in a double-bind and may encourage manipulative tendencies to develop in later life. Both parents must agree or disagree to the same request made by the child.
• Only promise what you are sure you are able to keep. Mistrust may develop as a result of broken promises.

9. Kindness and Love

• Both kindness and love are key elements when bonding with your child.

How should a parent discipline a child when it becomes necessary? It may be difficult for the parent to control their temper and not revert to shouting and even physical violence that may culminate in further problems at a later stage in the development of the child.

Unicef consulted with Prof. Lucie Cluver, Oxford University to determine how the approach of “Positive Discipline” may assist in this regard. The method will assist parents in building a positive relationship with the child while at the same time teach skills like responsibility, cooperation and self discipline.

“Parents don't want to shout or hit their kids. We do it because we're stressed and don't see another way” says Professor Cluver.

The outcome of continious shouting and hitting may have dire consequences on the child in later life. This is partly due to the “toxic stress” that it creates and may result in negative outcomes such as droping out of school, depression, drug use, suicide and heart disease.

The “positive discipline” approach emphasizes the development of a healthy relationship with the child by setting expectations around behavior.

1. One-on-one time

One-on-one time is important for building a good relationship especially with a child. To spend time together be it 20 minutes or even 5 minutes a day and can be combined with another activity such as washing the car or working in the garden. The importance is the attention you are giving the child without other distractions. Turn your phone and your devices off and inhibit any other possible distraction. The goal is to create an environment that is without stress focused on you and the child only.

2. Identify and commend acceptable behavior

In many instances parents are inclined to focus on bad behavior and bring this to the child's attention. Over time, the child may misinterpret this as a means to get the parents attention thereby incorrectly reinforcing bad behavior.

Children thrive on praise. It makes them feel loved and special. Parents need to be observant and identify good behavior no matter how insignificant it may seem and praise the child accordingly. This can encourage good behavior and reduce the need for discipline.

3. Set clear expectations

The child needs to be clearly directed as to what behavior the parent will accept as against that which is unacceptable.

Clear direction requires that the parent will communicate at a level that the child will understand. What level works for one child may not necessary work for another. The parent should therefore asses that the child has understood by asking the child to repeat the directive in his own words.

The directions given need to be attainable by the child for his age and intellectual ability.
An unrealistic direction given may not result in a successful accomplishment and thereby place debilitating stress on the child for failing.

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